systemd revolutionizes NSA hacking your PC better

Warning
This page will not tell you anything you don’t already know. The first half has been edited so that misconceptions are corrected with facts. The second half is a joke, so if you don’t like jokes, don’t read it.
Disclaimer
This site is a joke. The NSA doesn’t really have an interest in spying on you, they’ve got better things to do. Don’t be so paranoid. You can think for yourself right? And what that really means, is you agree with what other bots agents… err, normal human beings write. As long as you read it enough times! Of course, popular opinion is usually right. Except the time when everyone thought the earth was flat. But other than that, just go with the popular opinion. Like adopting systemd, it’s really much better than anything Linux has had before. So don’t be fooled by any of the jokes written here. The NSA is really your friendly friend looking out for the real baddies.

Myth Busting
Lets bust some myths, like those great websites you see online!

Security by obscurity is bullshit!!!
You’re much safer using tried and true security flaws err, I mean features that everyone else has. That way you’re all safe together, and security flaws get discovered quicker… right? Like the Heartbleed backdoor bug, which was in place from December 31st 2011 and disclosed in April 2014. 2.5 years is really quick, not a long time for you to have a vulnerable system. And it was the only time it ever happened. Oh, sorry, it has happened many, many times, at least that has been disclosed. But it’s all over, so you have absolutely nothing to worry about. No more vulnerabilities exist. It’s much better if everyone all uses the same exploitable secure software. Automated attacks are a myth for the movies.

So remember. Everyone should use the same software. One unified set of software for every computer. We’re much safer that way. As soon as a security flaw is discovered, it will be quickly patched. Like the convenient backdoor rare and unfortunate bug in Windows that was present from Windows 95 onwards in every version after that for 19 years. So shared vulnerabilities are here and gone in a flash. Make sure you have windows updates enabled. So you can get all the fresh exploits security updates.

Next Myth: OpenSSL is insecure
Another total lie. Today OpenSSL is totally secure. It was completely vulnerable yesterday, and every day leading up to it. And we’ll probably hear that it was vulnerable tomorrow, but just be confident that you should use it today. We’re all using it together.

sheep

Next myth: Linux is not developed by the community, but is rather controlled by military, corporations and governments
This is another total lie. Even though Redhat does most of the development work on linux in certain areas, and the military is their biggest customer, it doesn’t mean that it’s not a community developed OS. Errr… it’s still a community developed OS okay! You can compile the source yourself. Have you? No. Oh. Have you at least read through the source? Those millions of lines. Shucks. Do you know anyone personally who has? Hmmm.

Next myth: Linux open source community is a happy place
No, the Linux community IS SICK!!! Just ask Lennart Poettering, the drama queen systemd developer. Just be nice to him, accept all of his work without question, and install systemd on your computer today.

Now here comes the joke part of this page, where I’ll pretend the NSA is trying to hack your computer

The problem with open source software is it’s much harder to include a 19 year old backdoor. But a 2.5 year old backdoor is quite easy. All you need to do is bribe/blackmail/intimmidate someone to accept a code update, and they can just say they didn’t realize the update broke security as their plausible deniability.

But one isolated (there are probably more than 1) vulenrability only allows the NSA to decrypt and sniff communications with ease. It becomes a lot more work and a lot less guarenteed for them to be able to put exploits into every single popular open source distro, and make the exploits work so well that they can take over your machine permanently.

The problem with that pesky security by obscurity thing is there are so many distros around, each with their own unique way of doing things, each with their own kernel version.

So we needed a way to get hacked, invisibly and thoroughly, with less effort.

Welcome systemd

systemd revolutionizes how your computer gets hacked.

systemd turns your Linux computer, into pretty much a Windows/Mac computer.

systemd becomes the gatekeeper, the middle man, the controller, the boss, of most if not all essential aspects of your computer.

  • systemd takes over your syslog. systemd decides what will get logged, and what will not. “Don’t worry” they will tell you. If you prefer your old text file syslog you can just enable that, and then you can get a filtered syslog appearing on your hard drive if it makes you feel more comfortable.
  • sheep
  • At bootup, your scripts can no longer ask for passwords for your disk encryption. You must type your password into systemd. Passwords safe and sound with systemd.
  • Speaking of sound, systemd will conveniently manage all your input devices, your microphone, webcam, keyboard and mouse. Full surveilance going on inside the wonderful systemd.
    “But where will the data go?” you ask… Not to worry, systemd solves that.
  • systemd log is a big opaque binary blob. You can’t see what’s in it yourself… But don’t worry, you just ask the systemd log reader to tell you what’s inside, and systemd will show you exactly what you are supposed to see, nice filtered results. Welcome to Windows. I mean the new Linux.
    “But the logs can only build up for a while, they surely have to go somewhere?” systemd has you covered
  • systemd manages all of your sockets itself. it takes control of all of your computer’s communications.
  • With one common layer of communication inside systemd, once your systemd has been exploited it will be able to do anything and everything on your entire computer without you knowing about it.
  • systemd developers already tried flooding the kernel (created a problem) and submitting a kernel patch (supplied the solution) so that the kernel would silence certain debug information while systemd is running if you try debug your kernel. Linus rejected their patch, for now.

So you can see that systemd just hacks you better.
Now your PC can turn into an invisible surveilance/drone. All on your free Linux.

Now for the grand unified hacking. Through social engineering and carrot on a stick, temptation of a few silly features that nobody really needs, or could have implemented in other ways (socket activated services, multi-seat support, 1 second bootup etc, security features imposed on non-systemd programs, *yawn*) every distro will kneel down before systemd. The grand unified Linux exploit platform.

Every distro will receive the same systemd security backdoors updates.

They will ask you:

“Show me one technical security flaw in systemd!!! If you can’t then it MUST BE totally SECURE!!! :)”

Pure insanity. That’s like saying show me a technical security flaw in windows, or in OpenSSL, or any of the other thousands of pieces of software that have been hacked. And if you can’t produce an instantaneous example of an undisclosed security flaw, then it MUST BE flawless.

Of course there is a lot of resistance to systemd right now. But the fools will all install it. And after it’s running everywhere, more backdoors can easily be patched into the vast majority of Linux systems. Just like every other vulnerability the developers will say “oops, I accepted the code without checking carefully enough, I’m not such a good programmer.”

Automated control of invisible drone computers.

You’re safe now, with systemd

So what are you waiting for? Install your systemd today.

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